Sunday, December 16, 2007

Who Said Environmentalists Aren't Funny?

My friend and reader Marc brought this to my attention, which I happily share. I actually saw the article that is being spoofed here. By its cracked logic, you'd be better off having a large family, because you'd be dividing the home's eco-footprint by a larger number....

If You Care About the Environment ...
This Week's Column

By Mark Bazer

Tribune Media Services

"Divorce can be bad for the environment. ... 'A married household actually uses resources more efficiently than a divorced household,' said Jianguo Liu, an ecologist at Michigan State University whose analysis of the environmental impact of divorce appears in this week's online edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences." -- Associated Press

WIFE (holding up her husband's dress shirt): What is this on your collar? This is not my shade of lipstick!

HUSBAND: That's not Raspberry Rush?

WIFE: No, it is not!

HUSBAND: I guess I have something to tell you. This isn't easy. So I'll just come out and say it: I've been having an affair.

WIFE: Who is she?

HUSBAND: It doesn't matter who she is. What matters ...

WIFE: Who is she?!!!

HUSBAND: OK, OK, calm down. Remember Jude Law's nanny?

WIFE: Yeah ...

HUSBAND: Well, she looks just like her.

WIFE: Get out of my house.

HUSBAND: Honey ...

WIFE: Don't "honey" me. Get out of my house right now. I want a divorce.

HUSBAND: A divorce! But what about the environment?

WIFE: Hmm, I did just read a report from the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

HUSBAND: Look, I cheated on you. That was wrong. But getting a divorce that could destroy the environment would be equally wrong.

WIFE: And two wrongs don't make a right, do they?

HUSBAND: No, they don't. You were the one who taught me that. Anyway, so we cool then?

WIFE: No. You know what? We're not cool. Screw the environment. My parents stayed together "for the sake of the environment"-and they were miserable up until the day they died.

HUSBAND: "Screw the environment!" I can't believe what I'm hearing. And you know your parents still would've both been miserable even if they had split up. But because they stayed together, they consumed half as many chlorofluorocarbons.

WIFE: Half as many?

HUSBAND: Yes, don't you see? If we get divorced, we'll live in separate households-unless we're weird-which means we'll have twice as much of everything, which means we'll be using up twice as much energy. Right now, we have one Prius between us; if you leave me, we'll have to buy a second Prius, making us no better than all those wretched Chevy owners.

WIFE: You said you were getting me my own Prius for Christmas.

HUSBAND: Look, my point is, if you kick me out, you won't just be hurting me, you'll be hurting the entire globe, especially the people of sub-Saharan Africa, which is affected most by climate change. And the worse off the people in sub-Saharan Africa are, the more trips there Bono has to make, which uses up even more fuel.

WIFE: Wait a minute. By your logic, all single people are destroying the environment and should immediately go out and find someone to marry.

HUSBAND: Why do you think I had the affair? Velma is single. On her own, she was using up far too many precious resources. But by showering with her, I can mitigate that somewhat.

WIFE: We never shower together.

HUSBAND: We have extremely low water pressure.

WIFE: OK, then, how about Laurie David? She's getting a divorce from Larry David-and she's a leading environmentalist. Explain that.

HUSBAND: Laurie David has promised to get remarried within two years or have herself ground up and converted into an alternative energy source.

WIFE: I don't want to see you remarried, or even ground up.

HUSBAND: Plus, think about the kids. Divorce would devastate them.

WIFE: You're right. The guilt of consuming energy at my house during the week and then at yours over the weekend would last them a lifetime.

HUSBAND: I love you.

WIFE: I'll go wash your shirt.

HUSBAND: On cold, please.


Mark Bazer can be reached at

1 comment:

Jacob said...

HAHAHAHA! That was great!

I just found your wonderful blog and I took the liberty of adding it to my blog roll already. Hope you don't mind.